I think the title essentially says it all.
It's ridiculously hot for England in July and my room has become a sauna. Therefore I'm stuck with my eyes wide open and the inability to get to sleep.
But it may not just be the heat. It probably has something to do with the fact my friendships are kind of stressing me out at the moment. I was going to write a blog post on this earlier, but I couldn't get the wording right, so I wrote it on My Non-Awkward Adolescence instead.
For those who haven't read that post (shame on you) I talked about how my adolescence hasn't exactly been what it is made out be, and I also talked about how it has become built around friendships. My friendships are super important to me, as these are a group of people that just get me, and that I am able to just be a teenager around - or at least, my version of being a teenager. But lately they have been a number of issues rising to the surface or just bubbling away underneath that have just made everything a bit... Crap.
I know that the likelihood is (and no matter how much I wish it wasn't) in a weeks time, the dynamics of friendships would have changed a lot. I really hate that. It's not that I'm scared of change, I just liked how they were before. When I forgot that people weren't 100% honest with how they feel. When I forgot that people weren't always 100% honest in any case. When I forgot that people can be two-faced.
Ok, maybe two-faced is a little extreme, because I think within our group people have always been completely honest, but just maybe not to the right people.
In fact the reason I think I don't like it is because I'm not the type of person to be involved in the drama. Sometimes it feels* as if everybody has something special going on with them. That you're either ill (mentally/physically), or there's a family breakdown or some other crap is going on in your life that makes you feel just a little bit special. I've never really had that. And as wrong as it sounds, I've kind of wanted it. I've wanted to be the one that people are interested in. Or the one that people roll their eyes at when I do an improvisation that turns into a suicide story because of course I would do something on suicide. Or the one that has counseling every Thursday, and sometimes I want this especially because sometimes I just want to be able to talk to someone. But no. I'm pretty 2D. I maybe have one thing (which I have only ever told one person about) but it's such a non-thing I'm like 2.1D
Maybe the reason that I'm stressed is because I want to be the girl that everyone is stressed at. Because when I'm 74 I don't want to look back at my youth and think "Oh yes, I was a lovely straight forward girl, with her one non-thing" I want to think how interesting I was because I had something wrong with me, because the true horror of being a teenager in the 21st Century is that depression makes you an interesting person and nothing can appear truly wrong with you unless you self-harm.
Well my midnight incoherent ramblings have been brought to a rather depressing end.
Gwendolen
*I stress that it feels, not that it is
P.S. Now it is 10:59 and I can think a bit more coherently. Yes, it did get a bit over-dramatic at the end, and what I really meant to say was that so many things have become romanticised that really shouldn't be, and that people going through them wouldn't wish it on anyone. However I have a very normal life and to me there does appear to be something special and interesting about and no matter how wrong I know it is, I kind of want it.
No comments:
Post a Comment