An email to Cecily

My slightly edited email to Cecily. NB She is having a Latino National Evening the Sunday that I leave after my visit to her (GAHHHH)

Damn. I do like my Latinos. Gutted to be missing this event.

But at least I get to spend a weekend with my favorite Latino of them all.

And no, I don't mean you.

Eek. I am becoming a fan of short syntaxes standing as isolated paragraphs. I think it's a pretty good representation of how I'm thinking at the moment. I'm so fricking tired. Everybody is; in one music lesson, the teacher said to her class ten minutes in "You can't be bothered to do this lesson, I can't be bothered to teach. Just go and relax. You guys can have a free, and I can have one too". The last two days at school, I have attempted to do work, but always have just seem to find myself sitting on a chair in the common room attempting to sleep. It's like I've been on the verge of tears all week. Not because I'm finding in particularly hard or stressful, but (why can't the English language have a word like 'sondern') rather I'm just so exhausted. Yesterday I felt so down in away I haven't felt before since coming to my new school (but I realised with horror how much I remember feeling it at our old school) and lots of people commented on it. But I bought myself some chocolate buttons and discussed feminism and sex (in an unsexual way) with J-- for half an hour. And then G-- and his girlfriend joined us and discussed how fun sex is. Which was a bit awkward. Because. Well. It's G-- and his girlfriend, and although we are all exposed to their semi dry-humping in the common room everyday, the thought of them actually being naked with their gentiles stuck together is just not that appealing. And going back to the tears thing, there's some other stuff (shitty teenage crushes*) that I've been thinking about too much.

I just want to come to Wales and see you. I am very very very much missing you. R-- I have really been drifting apart lately and so it can sometime feel like my only really good friend at school is F--. Sure, I have loads of friends and people that I get on really well with, and I never technically need to be alone in a free (if I wish it to be so). I guess I just miss having a good few people that I can have a range of conversations with. For each person, I only seem to be able to have one kind of conversation; for some it's deeply intellectual, for others the standard banter. I miss being able to have someone where I can have a whole range of conversations with. I do have that with F--, but as we were both saying, it's nice when you have that history with person, which neither of us (although I at least should) have what with being at new school.

 We've got our exam timetables, and a planner for the rest of the year, which is about the same size of a timetable, that has one decent sized box for everyday between now and the beginning of the summer holidays, and it fits on one size of A4. It's made me realise how close we are to leaving school. I really don't want to. I really love education. And. Oh shit. I don't want to be ready to leave school. I think that's the scariest thought. For my entire life school has been this safety blanket, a place which I know I will enjoy and excel at. But over the next year, school will cease to be the lovely warm duvet just after you have woken up, but rather the duvet you have after you have lain in until after midday, and it's hot, sweaty and uncomfortable. I don't want to experience that.

A hail storm has broken out with the odd bit of thunder and lightening. Talk about over dramatized pathetic fallacy.   

Sorry for the length/angstyness of this email.

I don't know why I apologised because I know it's the type of thing you love.

xxx

*Whose only remedy is Girls' Aloud