I am in a state of permanent tiredness. I am going through moments of overwhelming insecurity and all-consuming not so much joy but like I'm-so-happy-that-I'm-living-this-moment kind of feeling. I don't seem to be able to stop thinking and analysing every part of myself and other people but it all seems to be a waste as I've generally messed up my ASs (i.e. not done as well as I would have liked which is really shit because I know when results come out everyone will tell me that I'm wrong to be sad but an emotion can never be described as 'wrong'; emotions are not true or false, they only are).
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"They [Women] cannot love each other in this easy, innocent, spontaneous way because they cannot love themselves"
-Germain Greer, The Female Eunuch
Of course she's not the first person I have ever heard to say that, but she's the first person I have heard to say in that way. Reading that made me realise I am making my reactions to people overly complex. I could write like a fucking book on what I think and how I feel about each of my friends/family/people-paid-to-be-near-me. Yet a lot of is entirely false. Well not false, just overly complex - probably because that's my reaction to myself. I have this constant desire to change my three worst personality traits (competitiveness, defensiveness, pride) unfortunately they are rather hard to change as quickly as I/other people want them to change because a) they feed each other in an uncontrollable and destructive manner b) It makes all criticism not necessarily more hurtful but it builds up more easily without me confronting it, and when do confront I end up over-complicating my confrontation to the extent I can't actually remember what I have discovered about myself and it's physically impossible to manifest itself c) I genuinely do not talk about some stuff that I should talk about (and sometimes want to talk about) because I have the irrational feeling that people probably already know and even more irrationally I feel that this somehow invalidates and takes away from my thoughts d) I recognise that I'm probably over-complicating stuff to skirt the issue and appease these traits.
I do not know what I want to do with my life. Plan A has basically gone and made me realise that Plan B is probably better, but even so there are plenty of people who view Plan B as a cop out and it's hard not to find yourself invalidating it as a decision.
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Before you have had your first moment of semi self-realisation you automatically assume you are the good guy in the story of your life and it's pretty crap when you realise that to many extents you probably aren't. And also that everybody is a victim and therefore everybody is perpetrator. And people seem particularly keen lately to point out my flaws with various motivations, yet I never point out theirs because I don't know a) I hate emotional talks when I feel either I'm attacking/being attacked b) feel it's petty and pointless to point out other people's flaws, because often they are symptomatic of something else that that person may or may not be dealing with and it makes it even worse when somebody essentially goes oh you know that thing about yourself that you really hate well I hate it too. But then I also realise that there is probably a reason why people tell me my flaws. Also the phrase "I will always like/love/have affection for you not matter what anybody else says" suddenly curveballs at you what other people think in a way nobody really wants hear.
What a sickening load of self-pity.
I don't really want to socialise at the moment. I think it's more than just being antisocial but not as far as having a social anxiety. I can't really explain it as it is very much a feeling. A feeling that is a mixture of 'ach nein' and vulnerability at the thought of socialising with specific types of people. This is probably a projection of how I feel about myself.
I'm glad I have written this. I'm sure some people are going to read too much/too little/the wrong thing/the right thing into it. I've been wanting to write something like this in my diary but this is much quicker and I've been too tired to spend copious amounts of time on self-pity which is probably more destructive than helpful. But yes, my life hasn't been entirely like this recently, but it has been too much like this. I'm not sure why I've actually written about this publicly instead of writing to the individuals who most people would write to or talk to*. Anyway I'm really tired. I could quite happily write another post on everything I don't like about this post.
*By the way, that is not an invitation for people I know irl to speak to me
What a sickening load of self-pity.
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I'm glad I have written this. I'm sure some people are going to read too much/too little/the wrong thing/the right thing into it. I've been wanting to write something like this in my diary but this is much quicker and I've been too tired to spend copious amounts of time on self-pity which is probably more destructive than helpful. But yes, my life hasn't been entirely like this recently, but it has been too much like this. I'm not sure why I've actually written about this publicly instead of writing to the individuals who most people would write to or talk to*. Anyway I'm really tired. I could quite happily write another post on everything I don't like about this post.
Gwendolen
*By the way, that is not an invitation for people I know irl to speak to me
